Author:James (Steve) Clay, MABC, LPC
Shame is the universal condition. Shame is that sense that something is wrong—badly wrong—with me. Because of it, I duck and run, hide and disguise, avoid exposure, play it safe. We are all infected with it. We don’t detect it, or don’t recognize it as shame, but we all have it. It’s ours because we are defective, broken, and grossly less than our Creator intended. Shame profoundly affects us all.
Most of us have experienced embarrassment. We know it all too well. Embarrassment is situational. I trip and fall and quickly look to see who saw my clumsiness. If you saw me, I feel embarrassed. I feel less than I want you to see me. The experience of embarrassment gives us a clue about shame, but it’s not the same thing. Embarrassment has more to do with how I want to be viewed and yet fail to project as I intend. It is about being seen, but has more to do with being seen as lovely, competent, graceful, and intelligent. It’s more about my dignity. Shame, on the other hand, is that inner experience that, at some level, aligns with the reality about me. I suspect that I am mess, unlovely, broken, and foolish. We all spend much of our lives trying to hide this reality about us, and we devote ourselves to being seen as more than we really are. When we fail at being seen as more than we are, we feel embarrassed; a failure in hiding our inner ugliness brings unmitigated shame.
Though shame is a universal condition (we all have it), it is compounded by living in a fallen world. Shame begets shame. The sin of others against us magnifies the sense of shame I feel. A teenage girl, unmercifully teased by other girls about her lack of beauty (done by calling her “ugly”), unwittingly connects that description of herself to that inner sense that something really is wrong with her. She’s not just ugly on the outside; there are things about her that make her worthy of the girl’s rejection. The man who was sexually abused as a child believes he deserved that treatment. He doesn’t admit it, but it’s true. He feels it inside, and he acts it out in his relationships today. This is how shame works. How did it all begin? Where does shame come from? Let's take a look at Genesis 3:1-12
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?"2 And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" 4 But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. 8 And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" 10 And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid,because I was naked, and I hid myself." 11 He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" 12 The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate."
The most profound thing we can say about shame is that it is the necessary condition resulting from being in a fallen state. Sin begets shame. Another thing we can say is that shame begets hiding. Being in this sinful condition makes me want to run, hide, and make sure that you don’t see my broken, gross, unlovely condition. When Adam and Eve’s eyes were opened (as the serpent promised), they saw far more than they bargained for. They were instantaneously made wretched and given sight to see it in themselves and one another. While before, this wonder marriage was one in which they were naked and unashamed, now they are hiding and covering up. Worst of all, while hiding from one another, they are also hiding from God, from the one who issued the command not to eat.
Even though their condition caused them to hide in shame, and though they would later use it against each other in blame and accusation, it provided the occasion for us to see grace in action. God, whose wrath was kindled in their sin in His long-suffering grace, sought them out. He came looking for them. They could not hide from Him. Fig leaves did not provide sufficient covering from the all-knowing eyes of the Lord. But they hid for another reason as well—pride. They did not want to humbly appeal to the God of grace. They reached for a solution to the condition without surrendering their pride. Such is the nature of shame. We hide because we want to preserve our independence and dignity. We try to hide our foolishness, but only reveal it all the more in how desperately we toappear to be wise. We reveal our shame by our intractable desire to look good in the eyes of men, while failing to deal with the God who sees. We work frantically hard at appearing beautiful to other people while refusing to come to God who provides the grandest beauty in Himself. We avoid embarrassment at all cost, not realizing that it is really shame that grips our hearts.
Shame is about our sinful condition but is different than guilt. Guilt is the breaking of a rule, a law, a standard. Shame is about being unworthy, expecting to be outcast and rejected if seen. Shame relates to God, before it relates to other people.But we are likely to experience it in relation to people rather than to God. So, then, who are we really hiding from? Sin keeps us from seeing well. Instead of seeing our issue is with God, we spend our lives hiding from people and projecting an image that we believe they will appreciate. We live to get from people what can only really come from God.
Then comes the great seek and rescue mission of the gospel. Christ comes to deal with sin, sin that separates us from God. The gospel also addresses our shame because it removes from us that which makes us truly unattractive to God. Dealing with sin is the only way to deal with shame. Applying the gospel in helping people who struggle with shame is a delicate task, for shame does not like exposure. Unveiling is necessary, but involves the shame-filled person’s letting go of what it depended on. Shame feels like death; therefore, letting go of the coping through hiding is an enormous but necessary task. Grace replaces disgrace and shame when Christ invades the heart. His beauty becomes ours to enjoy. Believers are one with Him. He becomes our groom to whom we are married. His perfect record is ours. Application of these truths begins to set people free from the bondage of pleasing others as a means of worthiness and acceptability.